You can't see jt yet, but this is my excited face.
I'm doing little jumps.
You know someone is special if you do little jumps when you see them.
Oh, I missed you.
1 go to Boots on lunch and sniff your perfume.
I'm on your Instagram, like, all the time.
I fucked your dad to feel closer to you.
And you ruined it.
7 love her so much, it makes me doubt my sexuality.
But then, everything does.
It's not her, it's me.
So when I said I missed you,
I meant, like, uh, how I'd miss my period.
If it was a few days late, like slight concern,
but not enough to buy a test.
Are you gonna talk to me then?
Sorry, my mouth keeps getting full of whisky.
Mate, you called me in a total fucking tizz
and then all I hear from you since then is
a couple of texts and a Kristen Wiig GIF.
It's not enough to sustain a friendship.
Sorry.
It's been mental.
What you did was mental, Marnie. You just fucking left me.
I was really worried about you. Went on the Mind website and everything.
I know. I'm sorry.
You don't need to worry about me.
I'm speaking to someone now and it helps.
I feel a lot less anxious.
Okay, well, all I'm saying is if this needs to be an intervention
instead of a city break, then that's fine.
It is a city break,
except, all you'll see is this, uh, a pub,
and the inside of Shereen's flat,
‘cause I've only got £87 until I get a job.
Wait, do you need money?
I'm minted.
Colin gave me a raise.
He says because of gender pay-gaps,
but I think it's thigh gaps.
As in mine.
Are you listening to me?
Fuck off, I don't fancy you.
-0il -Ow.
What are you thinking?
You can't hang up on me now, because I'm right here in your face.
7 should be able to tell her anything.
I showed my first pubic hair to this woman.
I was thinking about your vagina.
‘Cause that's what's in your thigh gap.
-Afternoon. -There he is.
Back in the driver's seat.
How's she handling?
Yeah. Yes, she's, uh, very smooth.
Well, I shan't distract you.
Thank you.
What time do you call this?
Erm...
Did you get my e-mail?
Oh, I, um, red flagged it.
What, sent it to human resources?
As in, I haven't read it, sorry. Was it important?
Uh, yeah, in the context of this.
Yeah, this was gonna be about that, so it's...
I mean, it's good background to have.
I'm a bit up against it, Charlie. Sorry.
Sorry, um...
I just... I just wanted to say that
I don't want things to be difficult working here.
It's not great if you're finding things difficult,
-on your first day back. -Uh, I mean,
between us, because of the cab thing.
Uh, yes, 1...
just don't want you to think I was rejecting you,
because I wasn't.
I mean, technically, I was, ‘cause I didn't... We didn't.
But that's not ‘cause I didn't want to.
I mean, physically, you're thumbs up.
But you're my boss, and I'm massively punching.
It's like a monkey pulling a swan.
I'm the monkey, you're the swan.
But like a black swan, ‘cause that's more interesting
than just something white flowing down a canal.
Anyway, I'm sort of making things worse.
So, I'm just gonna go back and carry on doing my work.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Night.
Uh, I've got a dinner thing, actually.
Okay, so you'll be done, what, 11:00, 11:30?
Uh, yeah.
Come back to mine after.
Uh, can I ask what for?
Just be a bit of fun.
Erm, right. Uh, can you clarify what you mean by "fun"?
Just ‘cause different people find different things fun.
Like, my mate thinks gardening's fun.
Other people like, erm,
-jigsaws. -I'll text you the address.
Meeting in 20, if you could tell the rest.
Oh, my gosh.
-Dave? -There's always a Dave.
Dave!
Oh, like that one, look.
-Oh, Dave, David. -Dave.
-Dave. -Davido. Davido. Yeah!
- Oh, you see the little smile? - Oh, little smile.
Smiling like Dave.
There's something wrong with me.
Yeah, I know.
And I love you still.
But, like, there actually is.
What?
It's to do with the way I think.
Have you gone Scientologist?
Is that why you moved to London? Are you brainwashed?
-I'm not a Scientologist. -What then?
I've got OCD.
You don't have OCD.
My therapist thinks I do.
But you're such a mess.
OCD doesn't mean you're neat.
Uh, I've these thoughts about sex that pop into my head.
Like,
she's got a vagina.
I could snog him.
That looks like a penis.
-Yeah, but everyone gets those. -No.
Yeah, the other day, Colin was in the office eating a banana,
and I was like, "No way he's sucking that off."
Yeah, but did it make you anxious?
Yeah. I was like, "It's 11:00 a.m.
"and I'm already desperate for my meal deal".
Okay.
So it's like that,
but not at all.
It's in my head, like, 24/7.
It makes me really anxious.
So I, I do stuff to try and get rid of it.
Like move to London and avoid you.
You moved to London to avoid me?
No. You're a trigger.
That's why sometimes I go weird with you,
‘cause you're always wapping your boobs out, and it freaks me out.
- I'm showing you my boobs. - Nothing, no, it's not you.
It's uh, my disorder. They upset me.
-Sorry. -No.
I can't avoid every trigger. Look, don't cover them up.
-Come on, get them out. -No.
Oh, Dave, help me!
- She's trying to molest me, Dave! - She's fine, Dave.
She loves it. She loves it, really.
I suppose they are quite nice.
Why do you think I'm so obsessed with them?
-What's this one? -Nancy.
That girl from the other night?
No, she isn't a girl.
-Sorry, woman. -She's a witch.
Must be all right if you're breaking the Doherty double-dip rule.
What's wrong with me?
She's just a girl, a woman. Fucking witch, whatever.
-Just say no to her. -I can't.
She's going to send her little witch monkeys after me,
and then where would I be?
Trick her into having a bath.
I would love a bath with her.
'Cause then she'd melt, and she'd be dead.
‘Cause she's a witch.
- Don't text her. - No. I am taking control.
Ritual courtship in their search for a mate.
Shereen!
Once found, coupling with that mate to reproduce...
Oh, yeah, I still can't believe that you live with, Shereen!
She's all right.
-Hi. -Hey, it's the pussy whisperer!
I've never understood that moniker. I've never even had a cat.
Come on, bring it in. Don't try and stroke me.
You'e welcome in my home.
Oh, you smell like 2007.
You smell like that homeless guy who lives outside the tube.
Yeah, we went for drinks.
Oh, I thought you were on a cleanse.
Just a wee toast to the Motherland.
Look what I did. Hmm?
Ta-da!
And a penne gratin with roasted summer veg for tomorrow.
What's happening tomorrow?
Uh, we've having some people over for tea.
It's kind of in your honour.
And kinda 'cause they were coming over, anyway.
-What people? -People I've met.
Oh, did you go on one of those sad apps to try and make friends?
Oh, those don't work, I've heard.
Uh, I met them in real life.
It'll be great.
All of us together at the same social event.
How often does that happen?
It'll be like an eclipse.
Let's hope nobody damages their eyesight.
Eh, eclipses are always a letdown.
But they also unite everyone together
to witness an historic celestial event.
It's just a pasta bake, mate.
The other thing about eclipses, is that you're so busy looking up,
you don't see the massive hole you're about to fall into.
So this one here is, um... -Helen. -Okay.
And that guy there?
Joe.
Joe. Joe from work, Joe.
Yeah. Well, erm, not from work now, 'cause I quit.
But he was at work when I was there.
So you keep in touch? That's nice.
Yeah. He's kind of a friend now.
-Like us? -Yeah.
Babe, can you, like, text my phone?
-'Cause I think it's broken. -Yeah, yeah.
I'm just gonna go and mingle.
He's mingling. Mingling is happening.
-Salmon mousse and a cucumber blini? -Hey.
- Are they homemade or shop bought? - Homemade.
It's like when people bring homemade stuff into work, isn't it?
Just don't trust it.
Do I detect some horseradish?
Okay, so what does your house say about you?
Ts like my old life shagged my new life
and had a delightful child.
It's okay, you don't have to say,
- let's talk about something else. - No, no, I'm gonna do it.
Favourite celebrity animal, huh? Erm...
So when he's not texting. You're, like, coming from different places.
And it's not because they're not into you.
It's just, they haven't had time to talk,
because they're at a meeting or in a library.
And they can't talk, and that's why they should fucking text!
-You know? -Maybe you should just ring her.
I should just ring her, no?
Hey, Nancy,
it's 8:32 p.m. on a Saturday,
and you're probably out breaking a glass ceiling or the mould.
Or some hearts, or something.
So am I Out and about.
He says you got him run over.
Well...
- What happened was... - We were at this pub.
-What, like a date? -No.
Like the opposite of a date.
What's this?
Did I, by any chance, leave my bra at your house?
'Cause I arrived with it, and now I don't have it.
So if you find it,
I want it back.
Thank you.
Erm, it was part of a set.
Oh, of course. That's why they're sold together.
Would you like a drink?
Yes, I'd like a pint of wine, please.
And his shoe was still in my pocket when I left his.
Because the nurse said I needed looking after.
I was like his carer.
Good bedside manner.
Uh, so, not a date, to answer your question.
-She wouldn't. -why not?
Um... Uh...
She's just not a very sexual person.
I'm doing all right in London.
I'm empty.
-You all right? -I'm fine.
Why? Do I not seem fine?
No.
You just seem a bit distracted.
Is it ‘cause of all the people, with their bodies?
I'm fine.
Well, I was fine.
Now I feel kinda shitty.
Why did she ask that?
Am I being a perv? Have people noticed?
It's essentially ratio analysis and financial modelling
with the overall objective
of making buy-sell stock investment recommendations.
-So... -Right. It sounds...
- Complex, yeah. - ...really quite dry.
-Hmm. -I mean, I'm more of a creative.
So that kinda stuff just goes over my head.
So, you're Joe from work?
Work Joe. Joe doing the work.
All about the work.
That's all? Just...
Uh, Ido other stuff too.
Yeah, yeah.
Probably not as much as me, though.
Ido so many hobbies.
It's kind of my thing, actually.
It's actually how we met.
Oh, how did you? Sorry, she never said.
Felting.
Cool.
I think it's because I'm the extrovert, and she's the introvert.
We just gel.
Like a foetus absorbing its twin in the womb.
That's very good.
I think I've really come out of my shell.
How did you guys meet?
How did we meet, Marnie?
Uh... Uh, we met in a bar.
She chatted me up.
-I was experimenting. -What?
You got with her?
My first week in London,
the only human contact I had was with an IKEA cashier.
And I paid for that privilege.
Ah, Charlie needs a drink.
-Thank you. -Mmm-hmm.
So, how's things? How's work?
Well, my boss came on to me.
What?
Hmm. Yeah, and I was like,
"Oh, my God,
"you're my boss!"
She actually wants me to go round there tonight.
You should report her.
Well, what if I was into it?
Are you into it?
Doesn't matter, does it?
I mean, what am I gonna do? Turn up,
and hope the little fella does, too?
Well, that's beer talking.
You need to take away its power.
Lack of power is kind of the issue though, innit?
I mean, people would understand if you told them.
What, so, you... You think I should...
-Yeah. -...go round there after this?
You think that's the thing that I should do?
If that's what you want to do, you should do that.
Yeah, I might.
What? Oh.
- Oh, fuck. - Is it okay if I get...
Yeah, sorry.
Oh, it's fine.
I wasn't apologising.
Uh, Shereen, can I do anything?
No, no, no, it's all done.
I'll do the dishes. Sorry.
It's just nice to have people over.
Everyone is so nice.
Amber invited me to her birthday party.
-Ah! -She invited me too.
You don't even live in London.
Yeah, well, I was thinking about it, actually.
About getting back to my roots.
I thought you're from Slough.
It's still London.
Jf she moves here, I'll have to move again
like some sort of pervy nomad.
Here we go.
Penne gratin with roasted summer vegetables.
- Pasta bake. - Delicious.
- Hey, thanks, Shereen. - Thanks, Shereen.
Yeah, thanks for having us around, Marnie.
Should I dish up for everyone?
-I wanna make a speech. -No.
Please don't, ‘cause you're quite drunk.
Helen.
I just want to say,
I think it's really nice that you lot are here.
- All right. - 'Cause I know you don't really know her
like me.
But you all get how she is special.
Hey. Cheers.
Special... Special measures.
Special, because I fall short of acceptable standards.
No, but it's fine,
because in spite of everything I know,
I accept you.
Love this girl. I love her.
Do you want a bit of baguette?
Yeah, shove some bread in her mouth and shut her up.
You, be nice.
I am being nice.
So be nice then.
I'm literally always nice.
I'm being nice just by being here.
Like, coming to see you
when you just left me, which wasn't nice.
But I'm nice,
and I'm here.
So you're welcome.
- Cheers! - Cheers!
- Cheers. Great. - Oh.
Shall we dig in?
-No. Give me the glass. -What? I have it.
-Oh, oh! -Whoal
She's trying to get my top off!
-Stop. -Go then, have a good look.
Stop it, Helen. Stop it. I don't like it.
- I don't like it! - Maybe you should have some food.
Soak some of it up.
You can look all you want when I move here.
You're not moving here.
Yeah, I am.
‘Cause I'd do that for you.
‘Cause of what's wrong with you.
I don't want you to.
There's something wrong with her.
- No, there's not. - Have you not told them?
Don't be ashamed.
If they were mates, they'll get it.
- I don't think she wants to. - She does. She does.
- No. - She does.
She's obsessed with sex.
T's not me It's my OCD.
Fuck off!
Shut the fuck up!
She's doing it right now.
She's perving in her head,
thinking about all your bits and what she wants to do with them.
And she has to do it no matter what it is,
and that's why she's done stuff with you.
- No, she hasn't. - She wants to.
Shut the fuck up, Helen!
It's gonna get cold.
-Yeah, cool. -Yeah.
Plates.
-Hmm. -Nicely done.
You'll have to send me the recipe.
This looks, wow.
You know, she asked to see my breasts.
-Fuck. -And I was like, "Fine...
- Jesus Christ. - "...because I'm your friend
"and I would do that for you."
Because I know how sick she is,
and I know that's why she won't stop looking at my...
Cover yourself up then!
She just wants to touch them.
I have OCD!
I have intrusive sexual thoughts that give me really bad anxiety.
Yes, I've thought about you all.
No, I don't want to talk about it.
So enjoy your fucking tea.
Bon appétit.
This is good.
Most people ruin dinner parties with salmonella.
Not me.
If you come to my house, it's not the food that gives you nausea,
it's the shocking revelations about the host
- Oh, I'll do it in the morning, Shereen. - Oh, it's fine.
-I said I'll do it. -Sorry.
Don't apologise. why are you so nice to people?
You let them walk all over you.
It's not gonna make them like you. It's fucking depressing.
Stand up for yourself.
I'm sorry.
Hello.
In here.
Want some?
Actually, you don't have any milk, do you?
-Milk? -Yeah.
-Yeah, um... -Thanks.
I just have a hankering.
Cheers.
Hmm.
It's a nice place.
Got good-sized rooms.
I'll give you a tour.
Kitchen, obviously.
Conservatory, snug.
She text back yet?
Nope. Not unless she somehow changed her name to Mome in my phone
and wants to know if I want this lovely table lamp she's getting rid of.
A bit chintzy.
I said yeah.
Well done.
It's Irish chic.
That was weird. But at least we didn't get food poisoning.
There's still time.
Hello, Amber speaking.
Oh. Is that your phone voice?
Nancy, hi.
Do you wanna come round?
Erm... Um... I'm still out, actually.
Okay, well, uh, another time then.
I could do next week.
Yeah, just that work's a bit full on next week, so...
Oh, tell me about it. Work is absolutely madness here.
We'll have to play it by ear then.
She's totally using you, you idiot. Don't do it.
Don't do it. Just say no.
Erm, what... Uh, I could do, say, an hour?
You are weak, mate. So weak.
Great.
Isn't it just. Great, so...
Hello?
Who are you?
It's like when they change buns. Idon't like it.
No. 'Cause what this is, is I'm playing her.
Okay? I'm not gonna go to hers, and she's gonna be waiting.
Right, and I'm gonna be here on the couch in my PJs,
not at her house where she is,
probably naked.
Just one second.
- Just gonna what? - No, I'm just gonna check on something.
And, bedroom.
Oh, it's nice.
Very tidy. It's a good size.
Oh, iPad by the bed. Naughty.
Shouldn't use that before you go to sleep, because it's blue light,
and it keeps you up. You know, disturbs your sleep.
Hmm.
Key performance indicator.
-And no one can find out. -Mum's the word.
- What, 'cause you're, you know... - Yeah, shh.
Come on.
I don't know if I can.
If you're worried about work, I'll be very discreet.
It's not, like, um... Physically.
Got a bit of a problem.
Don't know if it works.
You know, me, a bit this. I mean...
I mean, it works sometimes. I don't really know when.
It's quite inconsistent.
I see.
Yeah, I just don't want you to think that it's you.
-I know it's no me. -It's definitely...
-It's definitely not you. -Yeah, yeah.
I, uh...
What do you wanna do, Charlie?
Well, if you still wanna do something,
then it'd have to be me doing stuff to you.
Right.
That would probably help.
You'd be doing me a favour.
Happy to help.
Helen.
- Helen. - What?
Your bag's on the seat.
Oh, sorry.
What did you just say to her?
I said I was sorry ‘cause my bag was on the seat.
Didn't know you knew that word.
-Well, I do. -Maybe you should say it then.
-You should say it. -Why should I say it?
You're the one that behaved like a massive bitch.
I can't believe you did that.
I travelled like 500 miles to come and see you.
The Proclaimers are in and they're proclaiming a load of shite.
You just ignored me.
Pretty hard to ignore you when everything you do
is so somebody will look at you.
Well, everyone's looking at you now, so you don't have to worry about that.
Bet you hate that.
No, I hate that everyone gets fun Marnie, and I get this shit.
You love when I'm shit,
because then nobody notices that you're shit. You're shit.
Okay, well, I'd rather be shit than mental.
Bye.
Excuse me.
-I'm sorry. -Me, too.
I don't think that you're mental.
I was just really fucking angry at you for leaving me.
I didn't leave you.
I left me.
Please come back.
You're not you when you're down here.
I think we need to not be friends for a bit.
You can't not be my friend.
‘Cause all I've got is you and my hair.
Are you breaking up with me?
I love you, but I hate how I feel when I'm with you.
I'm sorry.
I think I just need to be on my own for a bit,
until I sort myself out.
Well, I should go.
Will you be okay?
I'll fuck your dad to get back at you.
7's not me, it's her.
Light of my life, bonfire of my existence,
she used to make me feel warm inside.
Now she's set my heart on fire, like an arson attack.
We are ashes.
But now, a new life can grow.